Hatori Hanzo Anyone? - Repost

(June 2006)

With my 29th (now 30th!) birthday looming I have been forced to take a hard look in the mirror. And I don't mean when you are checking out your pores and seriously rethinking your facial regimen. Speaking of which, is facial cleanser like shampoo, you have to switch it up from time to time to have it work better? Sorry, I am deliriously tired and may veer from subject to incoherent dribble from time to time

Back to the 372 days before my 30th Birthday. Yeah, I actually had to bust out the accessories and calculator function to figure that one out. Scary accountant confessions. Anywho, I have had so many things happen to me lately that have made me stop and reflect back. Then I ran across a picture.

Yes folks, it was Sarah D. She was 17 and woke up late to get her senior picture taken because she had snuck out the night before to drink Zima, play Asshole, and party with the boys my mother warned me about till 5:30am. This was the summer I snuck out every night after my midnight curfew. And depending on who took me home they all had to hold my hand on the way home just in case all the lights in the house were on and my mom was going to give me a beating that would cause even Tonya Harding to say "Damn, that is a bit excessive don't you think?!?!"

This young girl here with long sun drenched hair and traces of baby fat was full of dreams and delusions. Ahhhhhh, youth. This girl said, who needs college when I can work and live on my own? I mean, making 8 bucks an hour will surely glide me into retirement at the ripe ole age of 132. Yeah, because at 17 I was thinking about retirement. Oh how things change. I moved out of my house because if I didn't my mother and I would have eaten each other alive like hamsters (you know, how they eat their young if not separated until they reach maturity). I actually saw this happen, it isn't pretty. Note to parents, unless you want your kid reliving this little scene in therapy 20 years from now, SEPARATE THE HAMSTERS WHEN THEY PROCREATE. I digress

I spent the next 11 years making some good decisions and bad one's. Granted, I don't regret any decisions, but I do wish there was some sort of manual or guide book that could have put me in a bit of a better direction. Maybe college and a degree before I got married. Maybe making sure my marriage was a bit more secure before we decided to have a child. Please no one misunderstand me. I would walk through the gates of hell 40 times over again if it meant having Noah in my life. I mean who wouldn't give everything they have for my 4 foot bundle of little man??

But I think there was a better way for me to approach things. I attribute all this to youth and thinking I knew everything.

As I get older I realize more and more every day, I don't know anything. I mean absolutely nothing. Up is down, the sky is actually green, and I am still absolutely SHOCKED that tight legged jeans and leggings are coming back into style. Speaking of which I will never delve into either of these fashion atrocities again, no matter how many praying mantis stick figure models pimp them out. As I said before I don't know shit. But having this little epiphany was one of the most liberating moments of my life.

I can remember the exact moment I began to truly comprehend this. I was sitting in mediation with my soon to be ex husband. I was quietly observing our lawyers snarling at each other and fighting over the $7.50 monthly charge to send the child support through the State of Florida and who should bear this massive burden. I sat there with my hands folded in my lap feeling my blood pressure rise up so high it felt like my right arm was going to explode and my right eye was going to shoot out of the socket right there onto the cherry finished 8 seater table in the lawyers office. I fully expected his lawyer to snag my recently popped optic, hold it in the air and scream in all of his jabba the hut manliness "MY CLIENT REFUSES TO PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS FOR THIS, SHE DIDN'T ADD THIS TO HER INCOME/EXPENSES WORKSHEET!!" And then watch him slam it down and see it squish between his fingers. It was a very Kill Bill kind of moment. I did not grab my handy dandy Hattori Hanzo sword and make bloody ribbons out of his lawyer even though damn that would have been nice. Instead, I sat up mid bicker and slammed my hands on the table and said the following:

"I will pay the fucking $7.50 fee if it will make you ALL shut the hell up. Is this what a cheating husband brings you? Is this what I get for giving this relationship the last 10 years of my life? If that is the case fuck you and fuck him and fuck this. Get the papers ready and show me where to sign so this nightmare of a fucking situation can come to an end." I tend to say "FUCK" a lot when I get angry.

I signed at 3:20pm that day and brought an end to my marriage.

I cried my eyes out that night feeling like the biggest failure known to man. But then I began to realize that sometimes (ok most of the time) shit happens. Nothing goes as planned and that is OK. That is life, so suck it up, realize your dilemma and do your best to not end up on welfare and in government housing just to foot the day care bill. Fast forward 3 years, I got a job making 10 grand more a year, got my 2 year degree, loved on and nurtured my son every day, and after dating that left MUCH to be desired I found a wonderful man I have fell head over heels in love with. All the time knowing and loving the fact, I don't know shit. I still have 101,000 things I want to accomplish for myself and for my son. I think every day that I realize I know less than the day before I come closer to true independence or as I call it, my ZEN.

Nothing but acceptance of uncertainty and happiness on my face now Doesn't get much better than that. Hence, my headline Aun Aprendo. Still Learning...